Things I am so grateful for..

I had another great dinner with some good friends tonight. As I drive home, the stream of consciousness hits me and suddenly the events of these past 10 years hit me. And, I am overpowered by the sense of gratefulness for where my life is and where it is leading. I know that where I am today is a culmination of all that I have gone through, the people I have met, my losses, and the life lessons that I have gained. So, 2.5days before I am to leave for Iganga, Uganda, to start on the very first step of my new career (as a Volunteer...woot), of the career I have dreamt about since childhood, and the career I have always been built for, I reflect on all the events that have led to this point.

One of the things I am grateful for is my chance encounter with a wonderful woman that my mother invited to dinner many years ago. At that time, I just came out of a disastrous relationship and I was in a very dark frame of mind. However, knowing her for that brief 3 months truly helped me, despite my being a complete asshole to her. Knowing her, despite being brief, truly brought me out of my dark frame of mind and the regrets I felt for how I treated her (someone who among all the people I know, least deserves any negative treatments), changed me. At the same time, unknowingly, she brought me back to rediscover who I was. Ever since, I do read her weblogs, not to relive the potential of meeting her again, but as my guiding light. Her adventures and misadventures helped me realize of our common dream. Unlike me, she has been living hers while I have not by chasing after the wrong ideals, ideals that were not mine but others. Over the years, her stories gradually helped me break free of my shackles of societal, parental, and peer expectations. So, for all that she has been to me, I am truly grateful. For those that have read Paulo Coehlo's novel "The Zahir" you would understand this reference "R.U. is my Zahir". Like the character of that novel, in looking for my Zahir, over these past few years, I gradually found my own "Zahir" and the true journey will start in 2.5 days.

I am also grateful for my Mother. She has been a very supportive mother. These past few years, we shared a common sadness, the passing of my father. However, losing my father also meant the unshackling of certain expections (like getting a PhD in a field I can't imagine working in). However, through my depression of these past few years, she has been a very supportive mother. Also, she has been my encouragement to find my true happiness and the cheerleader, reminding me to go after my dreams, regardless of its costs. I do realize that this field I am attempting to enter will entail not being around her and she will endure some lonely moments. But, having her say it was OK for me to leave truly relieve so much pressure.

For a long time, I was in a different world. One of indulgence, depravity, and wanton selfishness. During that part of my life, I knew people that i thought were true friends and I lived a very selfish life. This life contradicted with the core of who I am as person. However, over these past few years due to all that has happened, I have gradually changed. I rediscovered my core values. Through these phases, I am thankful for those friends that are my true friends, with noble aspirations and intentions. They helped me tremendously. Lately, I am happy to realize that I have significantly changed so that I am able to re-befriend and appreciate those that are truly good and supportive. These friends (some from HS) have been tremendously supportive and their emotional support has made this transition easily.

Finally, I love my dog, Milou. He has been my trustful companion during my depression (from losing my father). For a long time, he has been my center, my unconditional love, and my constant reminder that life can be wonderful if I let touches me.

So, all of these people and experiences, ultimately, have brought me to this point of my life. I am now truly content as I have found my life again. As I start on this new journey, despite doing it alone, I don't feel alone. Instead, I feel as if regardless of where I will be, I will always have an invisible but potent force of support urging on. And that is a powerful feeling to carry with you, something that nothing can take from me.

And now, I feel free to start on my journey. Free of reservations, fear, or anxiety. As I told many near me, my life can end when i first land on Ugandan soil and I would be content. From there on end, to me, each day is a massive bonus.

Great dinner with friends

It is funny (not really) how great friends can lift you up, can make you feel as if everything is possible, and ultimately make you feel that no matter where you go, how long you will be away, that once you come back, they will be right there. Well, I had a great dinner/ BBQ with four of those friends tonight. As I listen to their stories, participated in some, and silently marveled at their humanity and good-spiritness (no such word), I was in awed at the fact that soon, while I am in Uganda, despite all the distance, I will still be their friends. I may make it into their lores as they tell stories about people they know, so in effect, despite the distance from Uganda to CT, they will always be my friends. And that warmth me. That knowledge sustains me as I know that in this new life of mine (trying to be an international aid worker), where ever I end up, I will always have these friends with me, either in spirit or in memory. That fact is a powerful knowledge as I no longer feel lonely where ever I end up. Because I know that whenever I am at my loneliest moments, I have my Mother, my friends, and my dog. And when I do return, I know that these friends will ask me about my trip, and after 30mins, they will be back to the regular schedule, acting as if I never left. And that strengthens me.
I have always been the clingy type. However, there were years where life experience made me jaded and I started to lose friends because I had that attitude of "screw them all, they are never there for me". However, through the years, I have learnt that those people were not truly my friends. Now that I have found my center, I am content in knowing that the friends I have (mostly from highschool), are good people. They are those that speak their minds, those that are straightforward in the way of "what you see is what you get, and I don't care", and those that I know will always be my friends.
And so as I sit there while they ate the porkchops I made, I was truly blessed in having them there. The memories of this BBQ/dinner will stay with me as I am grateful that they had shown up and that they remained who they are, the truly good friends.